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Saturday, October 10, 2015


The NCAA has released football rankings for the month of September, and just as predicted by everybody in the sports media, the University of Michigan has won the National Title with a perfect 3-0 record.

Critics of the ruling point out that other teams were also undefeated in September, but NCAA officials have explained that victories by UM "count more than" victories by other teams, and that everybody should have known by now "that's the way it works".

Utah fans have complained that their team actually beat the Wolverines on the field of play, but the NCAA has re-classified that contest as an "exhibition game". NCAA officials point out that if the Michigan Basketball team can count an exhibition game against Division Two Hillsdale College as a regular season game, then UM can also turn the Utah game into a meaningless exhibition.

Two Wolverine players also won the "September Heisman Trophy", though their specific identities have not been released. The NCAA has advised fans wondering who won the coveted award to just check the Michigan Football statistics and pick the top two guys in any category and assume they are the award-winners.

The rest of the college football season is now meaningless, though most previously scheduled games will still be played. One exception is the UM game against Ohio State in November. Buckeye Coach Urban Meyer has requested to opt-out of that contest, on the grounds that his team "stands no chance" against Michigan. When asked the reason why, Meyer said it was because Utah beat Oregon, and walked away looking down and shaking his head.

It remains unclear whether UM will show up for any more football games this year, since their season goal has already been accomplished by "winning in September". But rumors are growing that Jim Harbaugh's son and John Beilein's son will be holding a series of contests in which they both take off their shirts while shot-gunning beers and sending tweets to teenage girls.

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