TODAY IN chUMp HISTORY: MARCH 12, 1883

Wolverine Nation woke up this morning with the hope of seeing their men's basketball team win at least one game in the conference tourney, ostensibly so that their season record will remain at or above ".500". They consider themselves to be 15-15, but they are counting their exhibition game against Hillsdale College as an actual, regular-season victory, despite the FACT that Hillsdale is a Division Two school.

Oh well, those folks are always counting up numbers and throwing them around at people. The paragon of their numbers-games is the so-called "All-Time Wins Record" in football, a sport that used to be successful in Ann Arbor. In order to stay on top of that vaunted list of really old schools, they have to count up events that took place just after General George Armstrong Custer met up with Sitting Bull in a major upset defeat. Without those rugby games counted as "all-time wins", the UM numbers drop off considerably.

But you have to admit Michigan was very good at

playing rugby in the days before electricity!

But not necessarily in 1883, when the University of Michigan Rugby Club won their only game of the year on this date in history, March 12.

Wait, March? For "football"? Who plays football games in March? Nobody does, but back in the covered-wagon days, the rugby players had an exhibition scrimmage, reportedly attended by zero spectators. And they won the game, 40-5, over the "Detroit Independents". There is no recorded information available about the "Detroit Independents", leading us to believe that they were a very independent group, indeed! So independent that they really didn't exist beyond that field on that day.

The proto-wolverines badly needed a win,

as their "all-time wins record" at that point was 2-3-1.

So they lined up a group of bodies and got the win.

Hail to the victors, eh?

It would be neat to say that they won one for their Coach, but there was no coach of that team. They like to keep track of the "event" as a football win, but there was no tackling below the waist allowed, and no forward passes, either. Those five points by the nobodies was probably a field-goal, which was worth more than a touchdown on that day and for two decades to come.

The rest of their season was played eight months later, with three games between November 19 and November 27. They lost to Wesleyan, got pummeled by Yale, clipped by Harvard, and finished off by Stevens Institute. So they were 1-4, with only that one memorable triumph over the motor city nobodies.

Of course, this was before there was a "Motor City", because there were no automobiles. No cars, no coach, no fans, not really football at all. But the Michigan faithful ardently believe that it was a football game, and a victory, no less. Um, okay, whatever.

Keep this one in mind the next time you see one of those yellow shirts with the silly "all-time wins" claim.

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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: NOVEMBER 9, 1889

We all know at least one Michigan fan who really believes that his or her favorite team holds the "all-time wins record" in college football. Plenty of t-shirts to prove it, too. I mean, if you read something on a t-shirt, it must be true, right?

So this is another big day in UM Football history, since it was on this date in 1889 that the pre-Wolverines handed those boys from Albion College another gridiron lesson. (Maybe without the gridiron.) The final score was 33-4, though nobody can explain how those point totals were determined. Seems like Albion must have had one touchdown, since those were worth four points back then. Either way, rack it up and roll it into the total, and today's Michigan fans count them all as one equal victory.

But there was no head coach, and no Michigan Stadium, and no Big Ten, and no forward passing. The players didn't wear numbers, and tackling below the waist had just been legalized. The most common offensive play was the "flying wedge", a system that was later banned by President Theodore Roosevelt. And that happened 30 years before the NCAA began tracking football as a sport.

It must be either Voodoo Economics or Fuzzy Math that gets them to their exaggerated win totals. Or maybe they're just counting Rugby scrimmages as football games. When they count all those events from the 1800s, that's just exactly what they're counting.

Let's all agree that the University of Michigan was champion of the 1800s, or at least the 1880s. Although Cornell and the Chicago University Club beat them by a combined score of 86-0 later that same (three-game) season.

So this lone victory stands as the shining point of light in the grand and historic season of 1889. It is truly a day to remember for all Michigan fans everywhere.




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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: NOVEMBER 7, 2002

The house of cards built by Bo Shembechler came crashing down on this date eleven years ago, when University of Michigan President Mary Sue Coleman described the UM Basketball program as "shameful". She was merely stating the truth that many of us had known for years.

Her words on that historic day:

"We have let down all who believe that the University of Michigan should stand for the best in college athletics. We have disappointed our students, our faculty, our alumni and our fans. This is a day of great shame for the University."

On this date in 2002, the world was informed by the UM President that Michigan Basketball was as crooked as the day is long:

Coleman Ashamed

(The Wolverines covert operatives have done a great job white-washing the Internet to eliminate links to the original news stories. YouTube does not show any video clips of the infamous press conference held that day, yet there must be video clips still available.)

Here is a link to an ESPN article about the event:

ESPN Report on Michigan SHAME

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Here are some other great dates in Michigan Athletics history:

• October 11, 1890
• October 18, 1890
• October 25, 1890
• October 30, 1886
• November 6, 1880

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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: OCTOBER 30, 1886

Just about every Michigan fan knows about their Umpteen-Gazillion football victories compiled since the crust of the Earth was originally formed. Many of those games were a little different than what we think of as "Football" today, but hey, let's not let the details get in the way of a good story, eh?

Today is a day that is famous to all Wolverine fans, as it was on this date in 1886 that UM beat Albion by a score of 24-0. The Head Coach was not carried off the field, because there was no Head Coach. Too bad, since the game capped a thrilling undefeated season for Michigan, finishing with a 2-0 record.  It was the third year in a row that UM compiled an undefeated season while playing only two or three games.

The Captain of the Michigan football team in 1886 was named Horace Prettyman. "PRETTY-MAN". (Not kidding on this one.)

There were no tackles below the waist, because those were not yet legalized. The "flying wedge" was the main offensive play, because it had not yet been made illegal. There were no forward passes, because nobody had figured it out yet. They played two "innings" on a field of indeterminate proportions using a ball of imprecise size and shape.

The Michigan Argonaut reported the event as "a rugby game", a description that sounds pretty accurate. Yet the Bluebloods want to look back at it as "football".  Now you know a little bit more about how they count their win totals.




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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: OCTOBER 25, 1890

Autumn in Michigan is a beautiful season, with tree colors and falling leaves and cool crisp temperatures in the bug-free air. The only pests are all of those Michigan fans who come home from the beach every year yakking it up about their "all-time wins record", many of them claiming several million victories since the Pleistocene Era.

Well at least they all count for one. Because it was on this day in 1890 that the proto-Wolverines clashed on the gridiron with the mighty Albion Britons, scraping together a 16-0 win. That score probably means four touchdowns with one missed extra point. Back then, TDs were four points, and point-after-kicks were two points. Much like today.

The football field may have been 80 yards long, or perhaps 110 yards, the historical record is unclear on this point. The infamous "Flying Wedge" was the prime offensive play, before being outlawed by President Theodore Roosevelt in 1906. There was no forward passing, and neither team had a Head Coach. Doubtful about any popcorn.

When you hear all that jibber-jabber about the "all-time wins" numbers for UM, remember games like this one, along with hundreds more that were played before the NCAA began tracking football in 1937. With no standard rules in place for the shape and size of the ball, with field dimensions left up to local decision, and tackling below the waist having just been legalized, these so-called "games" are barely a blip on the historical record. But to chUMp nation, they are the quintessential definition of Michigan Football. Hoo-Hah!




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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: OCTOBER 18, 1890

We always hear Michigan fans chirping about how many "all-time wins" their football team has racked up over the centuries. They act like all of their historic "wins" were relevant and meaningful, if not impressive.

It was on this date in 1890 that UM scored a major football triumph over the Detroit Athletic Club, by a score of 38-0. It was the DAC's third year of existence, a year after John Lodge starred on their Cricket team (prior to having the road named after him). The DAC later sent two divers to the 1956 Melbourne Olympics. There are no records available for DAC football, presumably because there weren't many seasons after this one.

All Michigan fans everywhere should be proud of this magnificent triumph, and should be prepared to crow about it to anyone who won't spray them with a can of mace. This game established them as the best team from Ann Arbor, and their series with the DAC cemented their status as "champions of the west", since the UM campus is located west of Detroit. (Now we know what they mean by that!)

The proto-wolverines did not carry their Coach off the field because they did not have a Coach. There was no passing, and the Offense was dominated by use of the "flying wedge", a play that was later outlawed. Players did not wear uniforms, and there is no statistical record of the game. It sounds a lot more like playing a pickup game at the park on a Sunday afternoon, but not so much like a college football game.




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THIS DATE IN chUMp HISTORY: OCTOBER 11, 1890

Today marks another great date in Michigan Football history, as the proto-wolverines squared off on the gridiron against the mighty Albion Britons, vanquishing the upstarts by a score of 56-10. The game was played only two years after tackling below the waist was legalized.

Albion was playing it's 10th game of football after taking a year off from the sport in 1889. At the time of this memorable contest, the Britons had played only four teams in their brief football history. Neither team had a Head Coach. Players did not wear uniforms with numbers, and there was no such thing as a forward pass. There was no specific requirement for the size or shape of the ball.

This is one of those great wins that the Michigan fans like to talk about so much. It reminds me of some backyard pickup games I've played in, except that we would usually pass the ball rather than use the "flying wedge", which was still legal and prevalent in 1890. Plus we didn't have an official in the backyard, while the big win over the Brits probably had one referee.

Remember "games" like this when UM fans start calling out their inflated "all-time win" numbers. Their exaggerated claims about football supremacy are based on counting these historical events as actual games.




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