DAVID BRANDON ANNOUNCES SPONSORSHIP PACKAGES FOR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

The pressure on David Brandon to resign as Athletic Director at the University of Michigan has been tremendous, escalating from his ill-targeted skywriting last year to the student march protesting against him last week. He even got a new boss, as he will now be reporting to the President of the Central Student Government. But give the embattled Michigan Man some credit, as he has somehow found time to create an assortment of new sponsorship opportunities to sell Michigan Football.

Never mind the so-called "product-quality" losses, Brandon is shooting ahead with a series of innovative new ways to collect customer support in the form of cold, hard, cash. These initiatives are to be added to the existing array of commercial sponsorships (which currently includes the title of the UM Head Coach).

Brandon has shrewdly identified that the words of the Head Coach are actually a "product", and thus, can be sold repetitively to profit his department. He feels Hoke has sufficiently set-up this sponsorship plan through his carefully orchestrated repetitions of several statements during the last three years.

Brandon held a press conference in Shembechler Hall to announce the new offerings, all of which are statements that are often made by Coach Brady Hoke. They include the following:

• The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "This is Michigan, fer' gosh sakes" will be sponsored by Pure Michigan.
• The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "Practice was great this week"  will be sponsored by Kaplan, Inc.
• The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "We traveled well"  will be sponsored by American Express.

Each time Hoke says one of the sponsored statements, the background screen at the presser will display a silent commercial for the sponsor.

Brandon also presented a package of ongoing advertising opportunities that use the football field and the game itself to generate revenue:

• Every turnover committed by UM  will be sponsored by Pillsbury.
• The 50-yard-line will be sponsored by the AARP.
• The red-zones will be sponsored by Visine.
• All scores, by either team, will be sponsored by Playboy.

Brandon says he expects the new advertising packages will be sold for the 2015 season, pending approval from the Michigan Board of Regents. He anticipates no problem getting approval, saying the Regents are basically "a rubber stamp for anything I want to do".

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