JIM HARBAUGH TO BE GRANTED AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

(originally published on 3-6-15)

Michigan Football Coach Jim Harbaugh has been on a whirlwind tour since taking the job two months ago. He's running a 24/7 schedule, busy with eating breakfast, putting on his pants, promising recruits they can wear their favorite number, and now, performing miracles on the highway. It's that most recent act of wonderment that has Harbs in line to meet with the Spiritual King of the Western World.

Seems that most UM folks have realized that Coach Jimmy is a step or two beyond the rest of the human race, so why not make a move to have him recognized for it? Michigan Athletic Director Buddy Hackett has arranged to get his main man to the holy chambers in a bid to achieve "sainthood" for the Wolverine's latest son-of-God athletic character.

That's right, Harbaugh is headed for the top, and when he gets the Big Guy's blessing, he will henceforth be known as "Saint James of Ann Arbor". (Or at least that moniker will become official, as many around that town have already been using it since last Fall.)

So how do you become a Saint? Surely it's not easy, but it's actually not as hard as you may think, especially for a supernatural hero such as Harbaugh. Here's what he has to do:

1. First step is to have a Bishop investigate his life to determine if he is truly a "servant of God". The Detroit Sports Media has already anointed him accordingly, so the actual Bishop-guy is not necessary. Harbaugh passes on to the next step.
2. Next, the applicant must have lived "heroic virtues" during his life. Since Harbaugh played for Bo Shembechler, and since Shemp was 5-12 in post-season bowl games, that makes Harbaugh a hero (again, to the Detroit Sports Media). This earns Harby the title of "Venerable", and he moves to the third level of consideration.
3. The third criteria requires the successful applicant to have performed a "Miracle". Since Jimbo let the Minnesota Vikings come back against his Chicago Bears by over-ruling the play-call from Mike Ditka and throwing an interception to spark a 21-point comeback in the fourth-quarter, he qualifies. (That was surely a "miracle" win by the Vikes.)
4. The fourth and final step for Harbaugh to become a Saint is to perform a second "Miracle" after beatification. When he reaches this point in the process, he must merely refer to the team from Columbus as "Ohio STATE" and he will be eligible for canonization. For it would surely be a miracle for any Ann Arbor official to refer the Buckeyes by their actual team name, rather than just the name of the state in which they are located.

So cut the Lord of Football some slack if he doesn't return your phone calls promptly. After all, he might be busy pouring juice on his Wheaties, or zipping up his favorite Khakis, or making out with strange women on the freeway, or even working with a quarterback from another team who was penalized more than once as a college player and has no remaining eligibility. That's important stuff for a man who has been sanctified by so many!

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