HARBAUGH TO OPEN SEASON WITH A SPLASH

(originally published on 4-1-15)

While some Michigan fans are drowning their basketball sorrows in a pool of self-pity, others are getting ready for the upcoming football season. Or, as many of them call it, "Harbaugh Season".

Turns out the new UM Head Coach has big plans to kickoff the first of his several seasons at the helm of the Wolverines. New Athletic Director Buddy Hackett has planned a big debut for his favorite unicorn.

Jimmy Harbaugh will put on a show to remember on opening day 2015. The pre-game festivities will begin with a fly-over Michigan Stadium by the United States Air Force. Harbaugh will be on the third of the three planes, all of which will perform loop-de-loops immediately over the stadium. At the apex of the third loop-de-loop, Harbs will be jettisoned into the air while wearing a yellow cape, but without a parachute. Once airborne, the Great Harboni will do the following:

• On the way down, he will begin flying under his super powers. He will circle the stadium at 500 feet high, singing the Michigan Pep Song in five different octaves as he soars above the frothing throngs below.
• He will then leave the local airspace and enter outer space in a tight circle around the planet, using the trick taught to him by his cousin, Superman, flying faster than the speed of light in order to go backwards in time. He will come out of his orbit in the year 1986, when he was the UM quarterback and his idol, Glenn Shembechler, was the coach. Harbaugh will land on the Michigan sideline, present his hat to the coach for a signature, then fly back to the present day with the autographed hat in hand.
• The Flying Flamboni will then land on the 50-yard-line, waving the hat to thunderous applause from the victory-starved masses. He will perform a series of high-altitude cartwheels down both hash-marks on the field, while simultaneously juggling five footballs.
• After throwing each football 75 yards into a milk bucket, he will single-handedly construct from scratch an in-ground swimming pool in less than one minute. During this time, his image will be nothing but a blur to the human eye. When he re-appears, he will be dancing on the surface of the water to the "Spirit of Liberty March", the song that was converted into the UM Pep Song a century ago. He will then de-construct the pool and restore the field to its original condition before re-appearing for the national anthem.
• Harbaugh will conclude his pre-game show by singing the national anthem in 12 different languages, alternating languages with each word of the song. The 12 languages are to represent the 12 bowl-game defeats accomplished by his hero, the man who fired Ernie Harwell.

Michigan officials have confirmed that King James will be wearing his trademark "khakis", the brand-name pant worn by tens of millions of men in this country. His coronation ceremony, originally performed in a private setting the day after Brady Hoke was fired, will be re-enacted at half-time of the home-opener.

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