TODAY IN chUMp HISTORY: MARCH 16, 1994

Plenty of flack getting fired at Spartan Nation over the recent arrest of a former basketball player. Definitely not good news, not what we want to see. But he is a FORMER basketball player, and it's hard to maintain accountability standards for those who have moved on from the university.

What if a CURRENT EMPLOYEE was arrested for inappropriate behavior? Like Jim Minick, for example. He was busted for aggravated drunk driving last spring, and his reward was a free month of paid vacation. His case was swept under the rug so quickly, you probably don't even remember it happened. But it did.

It's nothing new for a CURRENT EMPLOYEE of the University of Michigan to get arrested. And we don't mean Jim Harbaugh, who is a current employee, and who was arrested, because those things were not concurrent.

We're talking today about Red Berensen, the "legendary" coach of the Michigan Hockey team. It was 22 years ago today that Red was popped for public pissing on the wall of a local library. Of course, he was drunk and disorderly and he was driving drunk as well, so old Red was in a heap of trouble for a few days. He eventually pled guilty to a lesser charge.

Berensen received no extra punishment from the university, as his crimes and misdemeanors were also swept under the rug. He has been propped-up and heralded ever since, only because he knows how to recruit players and win games. Berensen is so good that the old league (CCHA) named the championship trophy after Ron Mason, the Michigan State coach. (tongue in cheek)

So while chUMps everywhere fan the flames against a FORMER player from MSU, remember that UM still employs at least three coaches with arrest records, two of which were incurred while CURRENT EMPLOYEES of the school.

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HARBAUGH LOOKS TO PULL EVEN WITH HOKE

The Michigan Football team is prepping for what could be its last victory of the season, a home game against Rutgers on Saturday. If Scarlet Knights receiver Leonte Caroo is 100% for the contest, he may have a key role in foiling the Wolverines. At this point, we will concede the seventh win that was widely predicted by almost all major sports media outlets before the season began. If the home team wins, Jim Harbaugh will pull even with Brady Hoke in the First Year standings, with both coaches posting 7-2 records at the nine-game mark in their first season on the sidelines in Ann Arbor.

But after this weekend, the path gets increasingly rough for UM. They have three games left after Rutgers, with two on the road and the third at home against Ohio STATE. While the Wolverines may be favored against Indiana and Penn State, both teams have strong veteran quarterbacks with impressive credentials. That seems to be the recipe for defeating Michigan this season.

Here's a quick look ahead at why UM MAY LOSE ALL THREE GAMES after this weekend:

INDIANA:  Nate Sudfield is actually the leading quarterback in the B1G, not Connor Cook. Sudfield is ranked #15 in the NCAA in QB-rating. While the Hoosiers don't have much defense, the Wolverines don't have much offense, either. So it may come down to a passing clinic by Sudfield, who does not appear to have a "favorite receiver" for Jourdan Lewis to wrap his arms around. The ball could go anywhere on the field on every play, with a no-huddle series on every possession. If Michigan is favored in this game, take the points.

PENN STATE:  Christian Hackenberg is the most prolific passer in Nittany Lion history, which may or may not be saying much. But he's no Jake Rudock, if you catch my drift. (You know how Connor Cook has 17 TD passes to only 2 INTs? Hackenberg has 14 TDs to only 2 INTs as well.) PSU has also selected UM for its famous "White-Out" game, so you can expect very little yellow and blue in the stands that day. If Michigan is favored in this game, take the points.

OHIO STATE:  The Buckeyes are better than the Wolverines by every measurement. It's an ongoing UM fantasy to dream about upsetting the defending national champion, for no other reason than they have "played them close" in recent years. What the Michigan Faithful cannot understand is that Urban Meyer was playing cat-and-mouse with That Team Up North in order to keep Brady Hoke clapping his hands on the sideline. Now that there is no reason for Urban to not blast his main rival, he will simply blast his main rival. If Michigan is favored in this game, take the points.

A quarterback controversy is simmering in Ann Arbor, where Rudock is ranked #96 in the country with 7 TDs to 6 INTs. Wilton Speight played some last week, and most fans either want to see more of the backup, or less of both players. The "fluke win" against Minnesota has muted the tenor of this debate, but it will flare up with the next Michigan loss.

The Wolverines remain a heavy favorite against Rutgers, and after all, the Scarlet Knights are only 3-5, so it is certainly a winnable game for the home team. Get ready for the Bluebloods to keep blowing their horns when they get that seventh win all through next week. But prepare for the end of the Harbaugh Hysteria, coming to a stadium near you in the month of November.

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MICHIGAN WINS SEPTEMBER NATIONAL TITLE

The NCAA has released football rankings for the month of September, and just as predicted by everybody in the sports media, the University of Michigan has won the National Title with a perfect 3-0 record.

Critics of the ruling point out that other teams were also undefeated in September, but NCAA officials have explained that victories by UM "count more than" victories by other teams, and that everybody should have known by now "that's the way it works".

Utah fans have complained that their team actually beat the Wolverines on the field of play, but the NCAA has re-classified that contest as an "exhibition game". NCAA officials point out that if the Michigan Basketball team can count an exhibition game against Division Two Hillsdale College as a regular season game, then UM can also turn the Utah game into a meaningless exhibition.

Two Wolverine players also won the "September Heisman Trophy", though their specific identities have not been released. The NCAA has advised fans wondering who won the coveted award to just check the Michigan Football statistics and pick the top two guys in any category and assume they are the award-winners.

The rest of the college football season is now meaningless, though most previously scheduled games will still be played. One exception is the UM game against Ohio State in November. Buckeye Coach Urban Meyer has requested to opt-out of that contest, on the grounds that his team "stands no chance" against Michigan. When asked the reason why, Meyer said it was because Utah beat Oregon, and walked away looking down and shaking his head.

It remains unclear whether UM will show up for any more football games this year, since their season goal has already been accomplished by "winning in September". But rumors are growing that Jim Harbaugh's son and John Beilein's son will be holding a series of contests in which they both take off their shirts while shot-gunning beers and sending tweets to teenage girls.

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"BEILEIN MONTH" CONTINUES WITH MICHIGAN BASKETBALL TEAM COVERAGE THROUGH JULY

Have you enjoyed "Beilein Month" here on DumpTheChumps? Or, like many Michigan fans, do you already miss "Harbaugh Month"?

No worries, mates, we still have more trash-talking and fact-checking to come, as we finish this month with a flurry of articles about the UM Men's Basketball team.

Next month we turn our focus to FOOTBALL, with pre-season perspectives and predictions from such luminaries as ATownAndDown and MSUSpartan76.

COMING IN AUGUST:

THE ALTERNATIVE VIEW OF

GLENN SHEMBECHLER

by MSUSpartan76

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SUZY MERCHANT OF MSU vs JOHN BEILEIN OF UM: WHO IS THE BETTER COACH? (round two)

(July is "Beilein Month" - - - originally published on 4-11-15)

Seems like we went from "Beilein Fever" to "Harbaugh Hysteria" and right back again. The new UM football coach is considered to be great - - - even better than Mark Dantonio - - - despite the fact that he hasn't actually coached, much less won, a game at Michigan. As for Beilein, he's apparently riding straight to the Hall of Fame on the strength of three losing seasons out of eight years in Ann Arbor.

So pardon me if I'm trying to figure this out, okay? As a fact-based critic, I'm wondering if these remarkably high evaluations of the Wolverine coaches are on-line or maybe a bit out-of-line.

We've compared John Beilein to Tom Izzo, and frankly, it's not that close. Sure, we know, Beilein had a good three-year-run, built on the backs of players who didn't want to be college students. He may not have realized that you can't sustain long-term success in college if you only hire pro players on two-year contracts. He should probably pay more attention to the Izzo methods.

So we matched-up Beilein to Suzy Merchant, the very successful and often overlooked women's basketball coach at Michigan State. Turns out Merchant at MSU has been better than Beilein at UM, and we proved that in this article. Let's take another step on the same path.

How have the basketball programs fared

at Michigan State and Michigan

SINCE BEILEIN AND MERCHANT WERE HIRED?

After all, they started at the same time in their current jobs, in the 2007-2008 season. They have worked eight seasons total. We already showed that Merchant has more wins than Beilein during the same time-frame, but now we look at the combined conference records of both programs at both schools, since these two coaches were hired.

B1G Basketball Regular Season Records: 2008-2015

1. 189-91    MICHIGAN STATE*****
2. 186-94    OHIO STATE******
3. 166-114   PURDUE*
4. 155-125   WISCONSIN***
5. 147-133   IOWA
6. 141-139   MICHIGAN**
7. 124-156   MINNESOTA
8. 117-163   PENN STATE***
9. 109-171   ILLINOIS
10. 106-174   INDIANA
11.   90-190  NORTHWESTERN

• 32-4      MARYLAND (one season)**
• 69-69    NEBRASKA (four seasons)
• 14-22    RUTGERS (one season)

*conference championships

You can see that Michigan State has led the B1G Conference in total regular-season wins during the past eight years, the "Merchant & Beilein Eras" at MSU and UM. Michigan ranks in sixth-place, with a composite record right around .500.

John Beilein is a good coach who has

had some good seasons at Michigan.

But to herald him as the

"second coming" (after Harbaugh) is little more

than a bowl full of apple sauce.

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JOHN BEILEIN CONJURES UP THIRD LOSING SEASON IN EIGHT YEARS AT MICHIGAN

(July is "Beilein Month" - - - originally published on 3-16-15)

The curtains have closed on the Michigan Wolverines men's basketball team for this year, wrapping up their third losing season in the past eight years. All three bad seasons included losing records in the league and overall. All three years included watching the post-season from the living room couch.

We maintain our assertion that UM finished 15-16 this year, and we have exhaustively made our case to that point in the past two weeks. There is simply NO WAY that a contest with Hillsdale College should be counted as a regular season game.

Apparently, the experts agreed. Remember, it's USA Today that publishes the Sagarin Ratings, not exactly a shabby second-rate media outlet. The NCAA knows that Michigan's final record this season was 15-16.

In fairness, this should stifle the wild claims

about the old apple-picker being Hall-of-Fame material,

much less being "better than Izzo".

Beilein is a good coach. He's had some great seasons and some stinkers, at every place he ever worked (except Richmond). He took a big chance in his current job on some great players who were not likely to succeed in college, they left him in the lurch, and he got caught with some injuries. He had plenty of time to create his program, and he did it in a way that emphasized risk, and he got burned by his risk-taking (on player selection). Plus, some guys apparently don't really want to play their whole career for him.

Coaches have a lot of things to consider when offering scholarships to high school players. Immediate impact versus long-term stability is one such issue. Beilein rolled the dice, won some of his gambles, but ultimately has crapped-out.

He will likely have some success in the future, but when that day comes, could we please tone-down all of the "Beilein-is-God" rhetoric? I mean, it's not like he's Jim Harbaugh, right?

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"JOHN BEILEIN MONTH" ON DUMP-THE-CHUMPS

What a nice run Jim Harbaugh just had. No, not the shirtless romp at the camp with young boys. And not the sluggish interrogation session on ESPN national radio this week. We're talking about "Harbaugh Month"! It was great, but now it's over and time to move on.

And who better to feature in the month of July than the man who was "The Savior" before "The Real Savior" arrived, John Beilein!

Does anybody remember John Beilein?

He's the guy who missed the NIT last season.

Right, THAT John Beilein!

We will present an assortment of articles about Beilein and his merry band of pranksters that appeared on this web site during the last basketball season, all through this month.

Stay tuned for "John Beilein Month",

right here on DUMP-the-chUMps!

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HARBAUGH TOPS LONG LIST OF FAMOUS DRUNKS IN MICHIGAN FOOTBALL HISTORY

The news about Jim Minick driving drunk and running his car off the road into a tree was quite appropriate, as Minick works for the University of Michigan. Wolverine athletes and coaches, most notably in football, have a long history of drinking and driving their way to a DUI.

Minick may be the latest UM football luminary to get popped for too much punch, as he was arrested, suspended, and reinstated in a three week span. But he's not the brightest light in the DUI Sky for Michigan. That distinction now belongs to Head Coach Jim Harbaugh.

Harbaugh is one of many in the Michigan Football

program to be arrested for drunkenness.

But he must be the only UM Coach with a DUI to hire
an assistant who got a DUI within months of his hire.

Gary Moeller was the all-time UM leader for Drunk and Disorderly after his famous meltdown at the Excalibur restaurant in Southfield. Hard to top the sitting Head Coach berating his wife and pushing police officers around in public during an evening out after which he was out of a job.

What about players like Daryl Stonum, who police found slumped over the steering wheel of his car while it was idling at a blinking red light. Stonum entered the legal system, in which he committed multiple acts of negligence, default, and repeated drunk driving. His suspension spanned the tenures of two different head coaches.

Don't forget Braylon Edwards, who was arrested for "Extreme DUI" just last month, his second offense as a pro player. He wasn't playing for UM at the time, so he ranks behind Stonum, who would have easily earned the rank of "Extreme" if had just done his thing south of the state line.

Everybody needs a third place winner and for recent players we will name Fitz Toussaint, a fancy-named Frenchman who enjoys his wine with dinner, lunch, and sometimes breakfast. The arresting officer said Fitzy was very nice about his arrest, which was later posted as a YouTube video. A sequel was posted showing the booking process after his arrest. A very famous drunk!

And finally, what about THIS GUY, who said the UM Football team drove-him-to-drink-and-drive by getting bullwhipped by MSU in Spartan Stadium two years ago. Nobody caught up to him last fall after the 35-11 loss by his "victors".

But we still say Harbaugh tops the list, because he is the current head coach, he was popped for DUI in his mid-30s, and he hand-picked and hired the guy who just got busted last month. Has there ever been another UM coach who both has a DUI and then hired a (questionably qualified) subordinate who then also racked up a DUI within a few short months of his hire?

Man, that Harbaugh is quick!

He hired Minick in February, and
Minick got his first UM-DUI by May.

Have we missed one of your favorite Michigan Wolverine crazy-drunk stories? Let us know, by leaving a Comment below.

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JIM HARBAUGH NAMED B1G CONFERENCE "COACH-OF-THE-MONTH" FOR JANUARY

(originally published on 2-10-15)

Michigan Football Coach Jim Harbaugh has made a great impression since his hiring six weeks ago, although he didn't exactly "hit a home run" on National Signing Day last week. But now he gets a more important distinction, as the B1G Conference has named him "Coach-of-the-Month" for January 2015.

The conference cited several key criteria for the award, not the least of which was Harbaugh's undefeated record on the field. Among the other reasons for the honor:

• Selling recruits on the promise that they can wear a certain, specific, uniform number while being viewed by thousands more spectators on game-days.
• Criss-crossing the country while trying to steal committed recruits from players everywhere.
• His distinguished system for eating cereal in the morning.
• His predilection for wearing khakis.
• His astute foresight in hiring his own son to serve on his coaching staff, despite a glaring lack of experience by his son for the job.

Critics have suggested that Harbaugh really shouldn't be getting any such awards, at least not until he actually coaches his team to a victory on the field. But university officials point out that no such criteria for honor is necessary at Michigan, because just being at UM is an honor in itself. Athletic Director Buddy Hackett points out that Harbaugh recruited himself to be the head coach, and he said that action alone is worth an award by Wolverine standards.

Others in the Michigan Athletic Department have previously been given awards for similar "performances". Quarterbacks Tate Forcier, Denard Robinson, and Devin Gardner all received the coveted "September Heisman Award" in past seasons, and basketball player Mitch McGary received the "Injured Starter" trophy even though he almost never started any game at UM. Former player Desmond Howard also earned the right to "eat crow" in recent years, without ever playing a game. And former Coach Brady Hoke was consistently awarded the title of "Our Lord God" before getting crucified by an angry UM mob as last season ended.

Harbaugh is expected to accept the award sometime next week, in-between eating cereal, putting on his pants, and sending out tweets to mock other team's players.

(SATIRE)

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JIM HARBAUGH HAS BEEN ISSUED A "FREE PASS"

(originally published on 2-3-15, one day before NLI Signing Day)

The moment that Jim Harbaugh was hired as Head Football Coach at the University of Michigan, he was proclaimed the SAVIOR of UM, well on his way to GOD-LIKE status. An invisible countdown-clock began the inevitable march towards National Letter-of-Intent "Signing Day". Expectations of another mythical "recruiting championship" were stoked and blazing.

After the initial frenzy of Harbaugh-Love began to simmer down, reports began to flow in regarding The King's every move. He wears Khakis, he eats cereal with fruit juice, he once attacked Jim Kelly, and so forth. All of the Blue Faithful were counting on a big victory for Michigan on February 4.

We saw reports of Harbaugh criss-crossing the country, offering to poach every highly-ranked verbally-committed player from every program in the land. It was believed that getting a call from The New Elvis was tantamount to seeing Ed McMahon on your doorstep with an oversized check in hand. To be visited by The Great One was like getting an audience with the Pope. A UM offer was considered to be blue gold.

But here we are, less than 24 hours from the grand event, and the Lord of Ann Arbor has openly received only three verbal commitments, including one from a 3-star player who "flipped" from Connecticut. He's also seen his staff given the bum rush while on the recruiting trail, and watched while another recruit seemed to flip-out after the UM pitch, wavering wildly between schools on public media.

So where does that leave Jim Harbaugh today? We got our answer when we saw articles popping up in the last 48 hours that are pre-absolving the Great God of Football, just in case the massive gold-rush to Wolverine Country doesn't actually get started just quite yet.

In other words, he's great if he does well,

and he's still great if he doesn't do well.

This is truly "The Michigan Difference".  The rest of us have to actually do great things to be considered great, but where UM is concerned, they like to think of themselves as great, either way. No further evidence is needed beyond that one letter of the alphabet. This is the same syndrome that has projected a halo over John Beilein's head as his team struggles to avoid the N.I.T.

Perhaps Harbaugh hits the mother-lode on Wednesday, but you can see that he is now covered if he doesn't. The national sports media has tilted the landscape of public perception to protect their hero from harm in the event he doesn't actually perform like a hero.

Jim Harbaugh has been given a "free pass",

as he is no longer expected to perform like a deity

in order to be viewed as one.

By the way, did you notice that Mark Dantonio often wears Khakis, too?

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- - - BREAKING NEWS - - - THIS JUST IN - - - 

HARBAUGH NAMED COACH OF THE MONTH

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JIM HARBAUGH LED SAN FRANCISCO 49ers TO LEAGUE-LEADING ARREST TOTALS

(this article was originally published on January 2, 2015)

Amidst the after-glow of the coronation of Lord Harbaugh in Ann Arbor, nobody seems to have noticed a small chink in the armor of the Weasel Savior. Turns out he was running a "half-way house" for criminals who were becoming football players (or vice-a-versa).

Are we just slinging mud here? Check out this article that details the sordid history of King James. A few excerpts to whet your appetite:

San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was arrested on April 13 at LAX after allegedly being belligerent to security officials and indicating he had a bomb in his possession. Smith has been arrested twice in the past two and a half years for DUIs. In October 2013, Smith was charged with three felony counts of illegally possessing an assault weapon.

San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver was arrested on March 28 in San Jose after Culliver allegedly hit a bicyclist and fled the scene. When a witness attempted to block Culliver from fleeing, Culliver allegedly threatened the witness with brass knuckles, got back on his car, and hit the witness's car as he fled the scene.

San Francisco 49ers offensive lineman Daniel Kilgore was arrested on January 26 in Kingsport, Tennessee on charges of public intoxication. Kilgore and another man was arrested together after being seen staggering on the sidewalk.

The San Francisco player mis-behavior mirrors the Michigan football players record during the Hoke Era. Once a Wolverine, always a Wolverine, eh? 

- - - JUNE 2015 IS "HARBAUGH MONTH" ON DUMPtheCHUMPS - - -

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JUNE IS "HARBAUGH MONTH" HERE ON THE "DUMPthechUMps" WEB SITE

Announcing "Harbaugh Month"!

For those of you who just can't seem to get enough information about your favorite Michigan Football coach, we have the answer. Check our web site daily through the month of June to find out all about Jim Harbaugh, the man, the myth, the legend. You will learn interesting facts about the new savior of UM Football, as we track his every move, past-present-and-future!

- - - We will feature a different article each day through June 2015 - - - 

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IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY FOR MICHIGAN SPORTS!

Today is the one day each year when we can all say anything silly and justify it by saying "April Fools" right afterwards. So today is a great day for Michigan fans! They can claim all sorts of things about the past and future, and make bold claims about the present, even though their prized programs both finished with losing records this year and sat home for the post-season.

In other words, the joke is on Michigan!

So we bring you some reading material from our web site archives to make your way through the day. These are the SATIRE articles about UM sports. Enjoy!

MICHIGAN CONFIRMS "ELITE PROGRAM" STATUS WITH HOME-COURT THRASHING OF RUTGERS ON "REDSHIRT-JUNIOR DAY"

JIM HARBAUGH TO BE GRANTED AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

UM COACH JOHN BEILEIN SPINS LATEST COACHING GEM
TO HALL-OF-FAME HONORS

JIM HARBAUGH NAMES B1G CONFERENCE
"COACH-OF-THE-MONTH" FOR JANUARY

JOHN BEILEIN LEADS TOM IZZO, 9-8

JOHN BEILEIN AND TOM IZZO BOTH HAVE WON
A NATIONAL BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP

JOHN BEILEIN LEADS TOM IZZO, 5-2

UM COACH JOHN BEILEIN, "WHINER-IN-CHIEF"

THE MAN BEHIND THE PLAN:  ED MARTIN, BOOSTER
OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

BRANDON ADDS EMAILS TO SALES PACKAGES

BRANDON ANNOUNCES EVEN MORE WAYS TO SELL
THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FOOTBALL PROGRAM

DAVID BRANDON ANNOUNCES SPONSORSHIP
PACKAGES FOR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

DAVID BRANDON HAS A NEW BOSS!

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL ACHIEVES MULTIPLE
PROGRAM GOALS ON RUTGERS ROAD TRIP

NO SIGN OF BRADY HOKE AT THE BRESLIN CENTER SATURDAY NIGHT

MICHIGAN TO HOLD END-OF-SEASON TEAM BANQUET - - - THIS WEEK

CHAMPAGNE FLOWING IN STREETS OF ANN ARBOR

LAS VEGAS DROPS MICHIGAN FOOTBALL FROM BIG BOARD

DESMOND HOWARD TO EAT CROW DINNER ON BTN TV SHOW

BECKMANN TO SERVE FRIED CHICKEN AT RETIREMENT FEST

BECKMANN TO OPEN FRIED CHICKEN FRANCHISE

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL TO HONOR "GODFATHER" ED MARTIN

DAVID BRANDON WILL NOT JOIN GARDNER ADMINISTRATION

DEVIN GARDNER HAS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

WOLVERINES CLAIM WOMEN'S BASKETBALL SUPREMACY

BRADY HOKE, SPARTY STALKER

BRADY HOKE PROCLAIMS LOVE FOR SPARTY

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