DEVIN GARDNER HAS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

It was nice to see all of the living ex-Presidents holding hands and singing love songs together this week at the library event in Texas. In case you missed it, here's the story about the dedication ceremony for the Bush Presidential Library.

But somehow missing was Devin Gardner, inadvertently left off the invitation list. What sort of a protocol mishap could have led to this glaring omission?

Since many of you are wondering who Devin Gardner is, let's review the details of his newfound status. Gardner is a football player at the University of Michigan, the guy who played back-up to Denard Robinson the past two years.

I know, I know, that just begs the question; "Who is Denard Robinson?" Quick refresher here. Denard Robinson was once-upon-a-time the lead running-back for UM, known for taking direct snaps from center, then making up whatever he could do with an offense that ran around the field dressed like bumblebees hoping the kid with the untied shoes could run for a touchdown. He played in the Forrest Gump Offense, based on the strategem "Run, Denard, Run". So, Gardner was the guy who played back-up to that guy.

Gardner is now so thrilled to be the next Denard "Forrest Gump" Robinson, that he has declared himself to be President of the United States of America. That's not his candidacy for President, mind you, that's his actual job. At least to him it is. In his own mind. (Sort of like having an imaginary friend, but for bigger people.)

So where was Gardner at the event in Texas? Where was DRob? Where was Tate Forcier? Where was Nick Sheridan? Where was Steven Threet? They were all starting quarterbacks at the University in Michigan, so doesn't that qualify them for Presidential status along with Gardner?

For that matter, where was Jim Harbaugh? Oh right, we now where Harbaugh is; a long, long, way away from UM.

You can just imagine Gardner addressing his teammates in the huddle. "My fellow wolverines," he might begin, "ask not what Brady Hoke can do for you, ask what you can do for Brady Hoke". Like maybe pass him another plate of cheese-fries.

One can hear Gardner in the locker room, giving a pregame address: "Four years and seven games ago, our fathers brought forth in this stadium a new football strategy, conceived in lunacy, and dedicated to the proposition that either Tate or Denard better run their asses off or we gonna' get beat down."

The media will gather for the post-game news conference, just to hear President Gardner proclaim, "Two thousand years ago the proudest boast was "civis Romanus sum". Today, in the world of football, the proudest boast is "Ich bin ein Weasel."

I guess the youngster can think whatever he wants to think about himself and his team. Maybe when he's getting ready to change a play at the line of scrimmage, he will shout out "I veto that!" If another player screws up a play, perhaps he will approach his teammate to offer him a "full pardon". He will undoubtedly refer to the team captains as "my cabinet", and the offensive line as "the secret service".

Well, we should probably all give the new President a chance to enact his policies during his term in office. Maybe, if things go well, we'll get to see his "Vice-President" in action.




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