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Tuesday, April 9, 2013


You'd think the Wolverines would be happy with their season. After all, it was only the second time they (legally) won more than 30 games in a year. Plus, they finished fourth in the conference regular season and fifth in the conference tournament. What's not to like? That doesn't sound so bad.

Speaking of sound, that splashing you hear in the background every few minutes is the sound of Michigan fans jumping off bridges sans bungee cords. They absolutely hate themselves right now. And why is that, you may ask? Simple. It's because John Beilein failed to win the championship.

Oh sure, you might say, there's that Regional Championship trophy they now own for winning four games in the NCAA Tournament. Most teams would be thrilled just to have that. After all, it signifies membership in the 99th percentile of Division One college basketball. But for the Wolverines, it represents nothing but shame, since they "didn't win the big one".

Fans across America won't understand these feelings of self-loathing, but here in Spartan Country, we've heard all about it for years. The Michigan Man has been telling us how bad Tom Izzo is, on the grounds that "he can get you to the Final Four, but he can't win the title". MSU fans have been told to hang their heads in disgust over the fact that their team, under the direction of their coach, has made Final Four status six times in 16 years. That's supposed to be our source of embarrassment.

So now that their beloved Wolverines have done exactly the same thing, they have scattered out of sight like a floor full of roaches when the lights say "We On".

They really shouldn't feel so bad about themselves, since their team has done this very same thing so many times before. In fact, Michigan has made it to the Final Four seven times in history, with one championship ring to show for their efforts. That makes them 1-for-7 in the category that they've been abusing Tom Izzo, while Izzo has gone 1-for-6.

MSU overall has been to eight Final Fours, with two championships, which is statistically average, a 25% success rate. Michigan's success rate in Final Fours is 14%. Their new motto, to paraphrase Rene' Descartes: "I stink, therefore I am".

Please consider telling your weasel-loving friends that they don't have to feel this way. In fact, with one tiny exception, this season is as good as it's ever been for them. (The exception of course, came in 1989, on a free throw in overtime after a phantom foul with three seconds left.) Other than the dominating one-point blowout in OT, this is their pinnacle.

Tell the Michigan Man to lighten up on John Beilein, as he is now one-sixth as accomplished as Tom Izzo. And at the rate he's going, Beilein can catch up by the time he is 90 years old (perhaps coaching Tim Hardaway the Fourth). And that thought alone is enough to put anyone into a "Maize Rage".

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  1. Is that pace based on the assumption that Izzo quits today? Hilarious!

  2. Yes indeed, the projection is based on the assumption that Tom Izzo never coaches his MSU team to another conference title and/or final four.

    Coach Izzo has won six conference titles and six regional championships (final fours). Coach Beilein has one of each, needing five more to catch up. Beilein has been at UM for six years, so he would need five more cycles of six years to equal six of each at his current pace. That equals 30 years. Beilein is 60 years old. 60 + 30 = 90.

    So at his current pace, Beilein will match Izzo in the year 2043, assuming that Izzo is as "done" as the chUMps say he is.


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