TODAY IN chUMp HISTORY: JANUARY 26, 1941

Today is one of the great days in University of Michigan sports history, as one of their most beloved and respected coaches was born on this day in 1941. Today is Gary Moeller's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COACH MOELLER!

Moeller is one of those "Michigan Men" who never attended college at UM, instead playing at Ohio STATE. So he is literally a "Buckeye". (So is Jim Harbaugh.) But he was paid by the university, twice as an assistant coach, and later as head coach. It was during his illustrious run at the top of the wolverine food-chain that Moeller made history for his employer.

Gary Moeller was arrested on April 28, 1995 for drunk-and-disorderly behavior at the Exalibur restaurant in Southfield. He was carrying on like an angry drunk, verbally abusing anybody nearby, including his wife. When the police arrived, they tried to let Moeller go without being arrested, but Moeller wouldn't take a hint or accept the help. He kept ranting and raving and stinking up the scene until he had to be handcuffed and taken off to the pokey. Plus he punched some cops along the way.

Moeller was "resigned" within days, and a previously unknown assistant coach protested very loudly about the firing at first, then was hired to be his successor. The very vocal objector was Lloyd Carr. 

So Lloyd Carr's UM Head Coaching career

was made possible by the firing of Moeller.

Wolverines everywhere can celebrate the fond memory of Michigan Head Football Coach Gary Moeller, hand-picked by Glenn Shembechler to take over his program, being dragged off to the drunk-tank after driving his wife and everybody around him crazy while he drank himself into oblivion.

The Gary Moeller Saga is part of the "Michigan Difference"

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THIS DAY IN chUMp HISTORY: JANUARY 26, 1941

Today is one of the great days in University of Michigan sports history, as one of their most beloved and respected coaches was born on this day in 1941. Today is Gary Moeller's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COACH MOELLER!

Moeller is one of those "Michigan Men" who never attended college at UM, instead playing at Ohio STATE. So he is literally a "Buckeye". But he was paid by the university, twice as an assistant coach, and later as head coach. It was during his illustrious run at the top of the wolverine food-chain that Moeller made history for his employer.

Gary Moeller was arrested on April 28, 1995 for drunk-and-disorderly behavior at the Exalibur restaurant in Southfield. He was carrying on like an angry drunk, verbally abusing anybody nearby, including his wife. When the police arrived, they tried to let Moeller go without being arrested, but Moeller wouldn't take a hint or accept the help. He kept ranting and raving and stinking up the scene until he had to be handcuffed and taken off to the pokey. Plus he punched some cops along the way.

Moeller was "resigned" within days, and a previously unknown assistant coach protested very loudly about the firing at first, then was hired to be his successor. The very vocal objector was Lloyd Carr. So Carr's UM career was made possible by the firing of Moeller.

Wolverines everywhere can celebrate the fond memory of Michigan Head Football Coach Gary Moeller, hand-picked by Glenn Shembechler to take over his program, being dragged off to the drunk-tank after driving his wife and everybody around him crazy while he drank himself into oblivion.




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TODAY IN chUMp HISTORY: MAY 4, 1995

It was a grand time in Michigan football history. Glenn Shembechler had moved on from coaching at UM to firing Ernie Harwell, and the heir to the Wolverine Throne was Gary Moeller. The baton was passed and all was good in Ann Arbor.

Moeller had served his head-coach-in-training duties at Illinois, where he basically stunk up the joint. But that didn't matter, as he was coronated the King of Michigan Football after three dismal years with the Illini. Must be because he played football at Ohio State.

And off he went, following his destiny into the history books, until...until......until THIS DATE IN HISTORY (1995) when Moeller lit up the sports media with a drunken rage unmatched in college football history.

It was 20 years ago today that Gary Moeller burned his career into the ground by drinking heavily in public, berating and possibly hitting his wife in a restaurant, and fighting back against the UM-loving police who were very willing to get the incident brushed under the carpet before anybody heard what happened.

It was long after Moeller was "resigned" that stories began to circulate regarding what made him go crazy on that fateful night. According to the rumor-mill, Moeller's wife chose that time and place to inform him of her adulterous affair with one of her husband's assistants, the younger and presumably more virile Les Miles. We can doubt that story, but Les Miles never made it back to Ann Arbor through three coaching changes at UM, so maybe the story holds water.

What a great social portrait of Michigan Football culture, eh? Quite a "family atmosphere", right? The assistant coach sneaking around to have an affair with the wife of the head coach, sparking an historic public meltdown by the highly overrated cuckold of Ann Arbor*.

So tonight, feel free to raise a toast to Gary Moeller,

the once and future King of Michigan Football,

a man who turned himself into a clown for all to see.

New York Times report

Associated Press report

Seattle Times report

*Have you ever seen those t-shirts that say "Ann Arbor is a whore"? Maybe they refer to Mrs. Ann Moeller.

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TODAY IN chUMp HISTORY: MAY 4, 1995

Do you remember the mid-1990s? It was a grand time in Michigan football history. Glenn Shembechler had moved on from coaching at UM to firing Ernie Harwell, and the heir to the Wolverine Throne was Gary Moeller. The baton was passed and all was good in Ann Arbor.

Moeller had served his head-coach-in-training duties at Illinois, where he basically stunk up the joint. But that didn't matter, as he was coronated the King of Michigan Football after three dismal years with the Illini. The Wolverines must have liked him because he played football at Ohio State.

And off he went, following his destiny into the history books, until...until...until THIS DATE IN HISTORY (1995) when Moeller lit up the sports media with a drunken rage unmatched in college football history.

It was 21 years ago today that Gary Moeller burned his career into the ground by drinking heavily in public, berating and possibly hitting his wife in a restaurant, and fighting back against the UM-loving police who were very willing to get the incident brushed under the carpet before anybody heard what happened.

It was long after Moeller was "resigned" that stories began to circulate regarding what made him go crazy on that fateful night. According to the rumor-mill, Moeller's wife chose that time and place to inform him of her adulterous affair with one of her husband's assistants, the younger and presumably more virile Lester ("the Molester") Miles. We can doubt those reports, but Les Miles never made it back to Ann Arbor through three coaching changes at UM, so maybe the story holds water.

What a great social portrait of Michigan Football culture, eh? Quite a "family atmosphere", right? The assistant coach sneaking around to have an affair with the wife of the head coach, sparking an historic public meltdown by the highly overrated cuckold of Ann Arbor*.

So tonight, feel free to raise a toast to Gary Moeller,

the once and future King of Michigan Football,

a man who turned himself into a clown for all to see.

New York Times report

Associated Press report

Seattle Times report

*Have you ever seen those t-shirts that say "Ann Arbor is a whore"? Maybe they refer to Mrs. Ann Moeller.

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MICHIGAN HOCKEY COACH STILL A CRIMINAL

With all of the hype surrounding the big game tomorrow, don't forget that next week is MSU Homecoming. There will be even more festivities throughout the week leading up to the night game against Wisconsin. One of those events will be the annual Homecoming Parade, traditionally held the night before the game.

Many Spartan luminaries will appear in the parade, including former MSU Hockey Coach and Athletic Director Ron Mason. This is the same guy who holds the all-time wins record in college hockey, and his name graces the Central Collegiate Hockey Association championship trophy. (This has nothing to do with Paul Bunyan.) It's called the "Mason Cup".

By direct comparison, the current Michigan Hockey Coach is a convicted criminal who goes by the name "Red", which is the color his face turns when you ask him what he was doing on the night of March 16, 1994. This UM "luminary" was busted and thrown into the drunk tank after whizzing on the wall of a library and driving away while drunk. He was probably just trying to set an example for his buddy Gary Moeller, who used his position as UM Football Coach to conduct a drunken tirade against his wife in a public display of affection on April 28, 1995.

Berenson Pissed On A Library Wall (text link)

Moeller Shouts At His Wife (text link)

The most interesting thing about these two drunken fools is that Moeller resigned under pressure, but Berenson has been propped up for nearly two decades as some sort of a role model for youth. I'm guessing this means that he is considered a "Michigan Man", since he was Captain of the Ohio State University football team. Perhaps Mary Sue Coleman should take a closer look at Berenson's shameful conduct.

These guys cast a cloud over the U-of-M. At some point, there's a chance that some of the football players will realize the truth about their fabled heroes. If so, that could have an effect on the big game.

Therefore, let me adjust my pregame prediction to:

THE DRUNK & DISORDERLY SCHOOL BY 1 POINT

TO HELL WITH MICHAEL "SPIKE" ALBRECHT

This is what's known in the field of Journalism as as "retraction". We previously reported something that now seems to be "wrong", so we must withdraw it from our record.

We read a story last month about Michigan Basketball player Spike Albrecht abruptly announcing his "retirement" from college basketball. With a year of eligibility remaining, and notable achievements as a walk-on who made games tough on opponents, we wanted to tip our hat to the young man who seemed to embody the best of collegiate sports. You can read what we said here. We meant what we said when we said it.

We wanted to honor a bitter rival who seemed to play the right way, and despite the damage he caused to our own team in past games, to wish him well as an act of sportsmanship.

Now Albrecht and his father and coach are singing a different tune. They are now claiming that maybe little Mikey may not be "retiring" after all. They are looking at his final year of eligibility and talking about making a return next season at UM.

So this was basically just an attention-grabbing publicity stunt, an act that is all-too-common in Wolverine culture. This was the walk-on equivalent of Desmond Howard posing like an award statue in the end-zone, or Michael Talley rubbing his hind-quarters on the Block-S at center-court in Breslin, or Gary Moeller flying into a drunken public rage against his wife, or Lloyd Carr sanctimoniously crying "foul" as Moeller was fired only to take his job for the next decade without ever looking back.

In other words, this was just some more Wolverine CRAP.

We'd like to retract the nice things we said about Albrecht, as he is proving to be little more than another whiny, self-centered, bee-atch wearing yellow and blue. He was struggling with rehabilitation from his injuries and decided to make a big deal of himself by doing what very few college athletes ever do, by "retiring" in the middle of his senior season. What a self-serving little prick!

We now hope that Albrecht decides to make his triumphant return, coming out of "retirement" to work his butt off in hopes of re-joining the team, only to be unceremoniously dUMped by John Beilein, the same way the Beilein has given walking papers to several fifth-year seniors in recent years.

We now hope that Albrecht gets dUMped by the chUMps.

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THE MAN BEHIND THE PLAN: ED MARTIN, BOOSTER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

We cap off our annual recognition of the University of Michigan "Day of Shame" with a look back at a piece of satire that appeared on our web site about a year-and-a-half ago. (Original article here.) At that time, Michigan State Athletic Director Mark Hollis was working on a special basketball tournament weekend as a tribute to Jud Heathcote. While that event has not yet transpired, we figured at the time that the Wolverines would be jealous of MSU (again) if Hollis could pull off yet another spectacular recognition ceremony. So we wrote up a little article "previewing" the UM answer to the Heathcote Tribute.

Be sure to click on the links to learn more about the history of Michigan sports.

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Not to be outdone, the University of Michigan Basketball Program has also announced a tribute event to honor former Wolverine booster, Ed "The Godfather" Martin. Martin was known to have played a key role in UM Basketball history, as he was proven through an FBI investigation to have arranged for hundreds of thousands of dollars of illegal payments to several players, most notably Chris Webber.

To commemorate Martin's role in generating countless sums of dirty money to fuel the Wolverine's rise to power in the late 1980's and early 1990's, all of his former numbers-runners from the River Rouge factories will be invited to attend the games. Webber will be the keynote speaker during a pre-game ceremony.

Other honored guests to be recognized by Webber during the pre-game event will include Bud Middaugh, the former Michigan Baseball Coach who paid his players for fake jobs around campus, leading to the NCAA probation penalties that resulted in trophies being returned and record books being revised. Also appearing will be Trish Roberts, the former Michigan Women's Basketball Coach who was sued by one of her players before being fired after a petition drive against her by parents of the team members.

The halftime festivities will feature former University of Michigan President Mary Sue Coleman, who is expected to recite her famous "Day of Shame" speech, originally given when she ordered that the banners hanging in Crisler Arena from the Ed Martin Era be taken down. Webber will also perform a special rap-dance called "Time Out", during which he will receive an inbound pass, drag his back foot conspicuously as if traveling, then dribble the length of the court only to stop abruptly and call timeout with a sheepish look on his face.

Steve Fisher is not expected to attend the event. Fisher was the UM Basketball Coach who signed Webber to his employment contract on behalf of Martin. Fisher is blamed for the entire scandal by university officials, who often refer to him as "that damn Fisher". Fisher was appointed to replace Bill Frieder when Frieder was fired by Glenn Shembechler on the grounds that Frieder was "not a Michigan Man". None of the three went to college at U-of-M.

A bit of frivolity will mark the interlude between games, as former Michigan Football Coach Gary Moeller will play a spirited game of quarter-bounce with current Michigan Hockey Coach Red Berenson. After both gentlemen have finished their drinks, they will split the audience in two groups for gender-separated activities. The women will be invited to watch Moeller punch-box a police officer at center-court while tearfully pleading with him to stop, while the men will follow Berenson to a nearby library where they will take turns urinating on the walls of the building.

A date for the event has not yet been selected, but the games will be played in Palermo, Sicily, legendary birthplace of La Cosa Nostra, known in America as "The Mafia".

(SATIRE - based on true stories)

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