DUMP the chUMps (Spartan Resource)

This is the place where the fantasy legends of "Myth-Again" are systematically debunked. This is where "chUMps" are dUMped! We provide a unique perspective on Spartan sports, and we also bring you anti-chUMps humor and highlight actual facts about UM that expose "The Michigan Difference" as "The MythAgain Difference". PLEASE NOTE: The "Spartan Resource Center" is on the left-side column. You can quickly access a wide range of articles from a variety of sources using these links.

Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Brady Hoke. Sort by date Show all posts

Friday, December 25, 2015

HOKE VS HARBAUGH: FIRST YEAR COMPARISON

The 2015 college football regular season is over, and Jim Harbaugh continues to trail Brady Hoke in their comparative first-year performance. Hoke finished 10-2 in his first year, while Harbaugh struggled to reach 9-3 (with lucky wins over Minnesota and Indiana). Since Hoke also won his bowl game, he has clinched victory over Harbaugh in Year One.

Let's take a closer look at the first-year of each Michigan Head Coach, to verify that the Great Harby stands in the Big Boy's shadow after one season on the job. Here are the season results for both coaches:

BRADY HOKE: 10-2

Beat Western Michigan by 24
Beat Notre Dame by 4
Beat Eastern Michigan by 28
Beat San Diego State by 21
Beat Minnesota by 58
Beat Northwestern by 14
Lost to Michigan State by 14
Beat Purdue by 22
Lost to Iowa by 8
Beat Illinois by 17
Beat Nebraska by 28
Beat Ohio State by 6
Beat Virginia Tech by 3

2-1 against ranked teams (#23 MSU, #16 Nebraska, #11 Virginia Tech)

JIM HARBAUGH: 9-3

Lost to Utah by 7
Beat Oregon State by 28
Beat UNLV by 21
Beat BYU by 31
Beat Maryland by 28
Beat Northwestern by 38
Lost to Michigan State by 4
Beat Minnesota by 3
Beat Rutgers by 33
Beat Indiana by 7
Beat Penn State by 12
Lost to Ohio State by 29

2-2 vs ranked teams (#22 BYU, #13 NW, #7 MSU, #8 OSU)

The "macro" view (above) shows that Hoke had a better record than Harbaugh, giving him the mythical Year One Title with a bowl victory in hand. A UM victory over Florida would still leave Harbaugh looking up to Hoke.

Some people might say there are differences that don't show up in the "macro" view, so we turn up the microscope now to analyze various aspects of the season performance. For this "micro" view, we will examine the season schedule in four different parts:

Non-Conference games
Games against Common Opponents
Rivalry Games
Games against Uncommon Opponents

As you will see (below), Hoke has the edge in three of the four categories listed (above). Here is a detailed listing of those groups of games:

Non-Conference Schedule

Hoke beat Western Michigan by 24
Hoke beat Notre Dame by 4
Hoke beat Eastern Michigan by 28
Hoke beat San Diego State by 21
Harbaugh lost to Utah by 7
Harbaugh beat Oregon State by 28
Harbaugh beat UNLV by 21
Harbaugh beat BYU by 31

Hoke = 4-0, +77 points
Harbaugh = 3-1, +73 points

Conference Schedule - Common Opponents

Hoke beat Minnesota by 58
Harbaugh beat Minnesota by 3
Hoke beat Northwestern by 14
Harbaugh beat Northwestern by 38

Hoke = 2-0, +72 points
Harbaugh = 2-0, +41 points

Conference Schedule - Common Rivalry Games

Hoke lost to Michigan State by 14
Harbaugh lost to Michigan State by 4
Hoke beat Ohio State by 6
Harbaugh lost to Ohio State by 29

Hoke = 1-1, -8 points
Harbaugh = 0-2, -33 points

Conference Schedule - Uncommon Opponents

Hoke beat Purdue by 22
Hoke lost to Iowa by 8
Hoke beat Illinois by 17
Hoke beat Nebraska by 28
Harbaugh beat Maryland by 28
Harbaugh beat Rutgers by 33
Harbaugh beat Indiana by 7
Harbaugh beat Penn State by 12

Hoke = 3-1, +59 points
Harbaugh = 4-0, +70 points

As you can see, Hoke wins two categories by game-record, and a third by the point-differential tie-breaker. The only advantage to Harbaugh is in the category of "Uncommon Opponents". (Hoke lost to Iowa by eight points, while Harbaugh beat Indiana by seven points in overtime.)

We wish the sports media would examine the actual performance records of the same program with the two different coaches before anointing the new guy as The Savior. A key aspect we haven't included is that the recruiting classes immediately preceding the Hoke hire were NOT AS GOOD AS the recruiting classes immediately preceding the Harbaugh hire. In other words, there is reason to believe that Harbaugh may have had more talent to work with than Hoke did at the beginning.

We already told you before the season started that UM fans would laud the new guy and celebrate his excellence NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED DURING THIS SEASON. And that's been exactly the case. The sports media collectively predicted Michigan to go 7-5 this season, and the Wolverines would have finished 7-5 if not for the brain-hemmorage suffered by the Minnesota Interim Head Coach at the end of the game, along with the generous officiating that allowed UM to sneak by Indiana in two overtimes. Those details are set aside in the public consciousness to allow the disciples of Jimmy to herald him for his wondrous brilliance.

NOTE: This article contains no predictions, and is not intended to make claims about future seasons of Michigan Football. However, it seems clear that Brady Hoke actually had a BETTER FIRST SEASON than Jim Harbaugh, based on the actual facts of the two seasons.

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Thursday, October 29, 2015

HOKE LEADS HARBAUGH AFTER SEVEN GAMES

Brady Hoke has a one-game lead over Jim Harbaugh at the seven-game mark in the First Year standings. Hoke took over UM in 2011, and was undefeated when Mark Dantonio gave him his first loss as Wolverine Head Coach. But Hoke finished 11-2 after starting 6-1.

Harbaugh has already picked up his second loss, leaving no margin of error as he chases after the First Year record of Brady Hoke.

Harbaugh has not yet been eliminated by Hoke.

The Messiah can still deliver the Miracle.

All he needs to do is run the table.

With wins in each of the remaining five games, including Ohio State, Harbaugh would finish with the same 10-2 record that Hoke served up in his debut tour. Then, if Michigan can win their bowl game, the two coaches would finish in a dead heat for Season One.

Sounds possible, right? Anything would be possible if you can walk on water, eh? So don't count the Harbster out just yet.

A note about the rankings in this comparison. At the seven-game mark, Hoke's first team was 6-1 and ranked #18 in the country coming off a loss to Michigan State. At that same point this season (right now), at 5-2 and coming off a loss to MSU, Harbaugh's team holds steady at #15.

Who would have guessed that Harbaugh's 5-2 team

would "outrank" Hoke's 6-1 team?

With all due respect for UM's ballyhooed start, they are currently playing survive-and-advance on the front end of what will have to be a six-game-win-streak if they are to MATCH UP TO THE STANDARD THAT BRADY HOKE SET in his first year on the job.

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Monday, October 29, 2012

BRADY HOKE PROCLAIMS LOVE FOR SPARTY

Michigan Football Coach Brady Hoke has finally come out of the closet and declared his undying love for Michigan State and all things green. Hoke said he decided to open his heart on the matter as MSU prepares to play Nebraska.

The Cornhuskers are tied with UM for the division lead after beating them last weekend on the strength of a festive second half in Lincoln. This leaves Hoke and his chUMps looking for help from somebody else to beat Nebraska.

When asked about the situation, Hoke spoke like a man on a mission.

"Here at Michigan, we do things the Michigan way. We expect Michigan Men to act like Michigan Men because we're at Michigan. This is Michigan, so we play like Michigan Men and we root for Michigan. And this week, that means rooting for Michigan State."

Hoke was asked about his own pedigree as a self-proclaimed "Michigan Man".

"Well I've always been a Michigan Man, ever since I was born in Ohio. My Michigan roots go back to my college football days, when I played for Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana. And I continued my deep involvement with Michigan as a young coach, when I held jobs in Ohio, Indiana, and Oregon. Heck, I even coached at Grand Valley and Western Michigan, both of which are schools in Michigan.

"Let's put it this way. I coached at the University of Michigan for seven years and then left for the job at Ball State, my beloved alma mater. How much more of a Michigan Man could there be then me?"

When asked about the possibility that perhaps Glenn Shembechler may have been more of a "Michigan Man" than himself, Hoke quickly accepted the suggestion.

"Oh, of course Bo was the ultimate Michigan Man, having graduated from Miami University. Plus, Bo coached at Ohio State, not once but twice, and that's pretty much the pinnacle in the career of any Michigan Man."

Hoke added that he has always felt a strong emotional connection to Sparty.

"Personally, I love the big fella'. He always seems to look the same, no matter what else is happening around him. Plus, I love his wardrobe. We don't have anything like Sparty down here."

Hoke said if he could speak directly to Sparty, he would urge him on to victory.

"That's right, I might as well be Biggie frickin' Munn this week, rooting for MSU as if my life depended on it. Or at least my season. Which it does.

"I plan to leave our game early in the second half so I can get a good place to watch the Spartan game with a big tub of popcorn. And some double-cheese meat-lovers pizza, with maybe a dozen Krispy Kremes. There's no need for me to be on the field in the second half, since I don't do anything besides strut around without headphones. Besides, if Denard doesn't play, we're toast.

"Heck, I might just skip that stupid road trip to Minnesota so I can party with Sparty. What the heck is there to do in Minneapolis, anyway? Ask Sparty if he can get me some tickets to the big game, okay?"

Also see: Brady Hoke, Sparty Stalker

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Sunday, October 26, 2014

HERE IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF "HOKE"

We all should have just used a dictionary. Four years ago, when Wolverine Nation was thrilled over the dismissal of Rich Rodriguez, Brady Hoke came back to Ann Arbor, riding a wave of enthusiasm every time he uttered that famous phrase.

"This is Michigan, for gosh sakes."

The Wolverine faithful were wetting their pants in anticipation of what was yet to come, because they believed it was on the way. Brady Hoke was going to bring them to their Promised Land.

That's when we needed to grab the nearest dictionary, and use it to learn the true meaning of the word "Hoke". Because that's exactly what the University of Michigan got when they hired the big guy from Ball State.

To save you time, we have done the legwork, and the results are below. Here is the true definition of (Brady) HOKE:

From Dictionary.com: To alter or manipulate so as to give a deceptively or superficially improved quality or value (usually followed by up; as in, "to hoke up" something)

From Merriam-Webster.com: To give a contrived, falsely impressive, or hokey quality to something —usually used with up; "hoke up a movie" with lots of action

From TheFreeDictionary.com: To give an impressive but artificial, false, or deceptive quality to: hoked up some phony allegations. [From hokum.]

Notice the reference to the root word "Hokum" in the third example above. Many definitions of "hoke" refer back to "hokum":

From TheFreeDictionary.com: Something apparently impressive or legitimate but actually untrue or insincere; nonsense.

From UrbanDictionary.com: Something apparently impressive or legitimate but actually untrue or insincere; nonsense.

To get a better picture of the meaning of the "Hoke", here are some related words:

absurdity, asininity, fatuity, foolery, idiocy,imbecility, inaneness, inanity, insanity, kookiness, lunacy;absurdness, craziness, madness, senselessness, witlessness;hoity-toity, monkey business, monkeyshine(s),shenanigan(s), tomfoolery; gas, hot air, rigmarole (alsorigamarole); double-talk, greek, hocus-pocus

Finally, to broaden our understanding of the true meaning of "Hoke", here are some synonyms for "hokum":

applesauce [slang], balderdash, baloney (alsoboloney), beans, bilge, blah (also blah-blah), blarney,blather, blatherskite, blither, bosh, bull [slang], bunk,bunkum (or buncombe), claptrap, codswallop [British],crapola [slang], crock, drivel, drool, fiddle, fiddle-faddle,fiddlesticks, flannel [British], flapdoodle, folderol (alsofalderal), folly, foolishness, fudge, garbage, guff, hogwash,hokeypokey, hokum, hoodoo, hooey, horsefeathers [slang],humbug, humbuggery, jazz, malarkey (also malarky),moonshine, muck, nerts [slang], nuts, piffle, poppycock,punk, rot, rubbish, senselessness, silliness, slush, stupidity,taradiddle (or tarradiddle), tommyrot, tosh, trash, trumpery,twaddle

Read those definitions above, along with
the related words and synonyms
and ask yourself, "Is this Michigan Football"?

(fer' gosh sakes)

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Thursday, February 14, 2013

BRADY HOKE, SPARTY STALKER

Just hours before the epic blowout at Breslin on Tuesday night, a strange story appeared in the sports media. A surprise visitor was planning to attend the big game, and he wanted everybody to know he would be there.

It was Brady Hoke, who works as Michigan Football Coach for his day job. Hoke sat behind their bench with his new BFF Lloyd Carr, both apparently under the delusion that the Wolverines would waltz onto the MSU campus firing three-pointers like the t-shirt cannon they shoot during timeouts.

Instead, the football coaches trapped themselves a few rows away from the IZZONE on a night they were said to have been their most powerful in a decade. The evening was capped by the memorable chant of "Little Sisters" cascading around them during the historic "white-out".

Most Spartan insiders know that Hoke has a crush on Sparty. Hoke has been trying to get closer to Sparty ever since his return from San Diego. One of the draws for taking his current position was the increased proximity to the famous Spartan Warrior, just an hour's drive away from his office. Hence, the road trip.

When Mark Dantonio heard that Hoke was on the way, he offered to host the Brady Bunch in a Breslin suite, but Hoke declined, saying he wanted to sit "closer to the action". Most of the "action" that Hoke was interested in wears a battle-kilt and boots and watches games from the sideline.

Hoke spent most of half-time standing up and saying nothing, a routine he also uses during football games. He seemed to be posing like a statue, trying to attract Sparty's attention. But Hoke failed to gain a first down, and had to sit through the second half of a very successful weasel hunt.

As you can see in the video below, Sparty prefers blondes, so maybe Brady should change his hairstyle. (Or to begin with, just get a hairstyle.)

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Monday, October 20, 2014

DAVID BRANDON ANNOUNCES SPONSORSHIP PACKAGES FOR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

The pressure on David Brandon to resign as Athletic Director at the University of Michigan has been tremendous, escalating from his ill-targeted skywriting last year to the student march protesting against him last week. He even got a new boss, as he will now be reporting to the President of the Central Student Government. But give the embattled Michigan Man some credit, as he has somehow found time to create an assortment of new sponsorship opportunities to sell Michigan Football.

Never mind the so-called "product-quality" losses, Brandon is shooting ahead with a series of innovative new ways to collect customer support in the form of cold, hard, cash. These initiatives are to be added to the existing array of commercial sponsorships (which currently includes the title of the UM Head Coach).

Brandon has shrewdly identified that the words of the Head Coach are actually a "product", and thus, can be sold repetitively to profit his department. He feels Hoke has sufficiently set-up this sponsorship plan through his carefully orchestrated repetitions of several statements during the last three years.

Brandon held a press conference in Shembechler Hall to announce the new offerings, all of which are statements that are often made by Coach Brady Hoke. They include the following:

The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "This is Michigan, fer' gosh sakes" will be sponsored by Pure Michigan.
The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "Practice was great this week" will be sponsored by Kaplan, Inc.
The classic Brady Hoke phrase, "We traveled well" will be sponsored by American Express.

Each time Hoke says one of the sponsored statements, the background screen at the presser will display a silent commercial for the sponsor.

Brandon also presented a package of ongoing advertising opportunities that use the football field and the game itself to generate revenue:

Every turnover committed by UM will be sponsored by Pillsbury.
The 50-yard-line will be sponsored by the AARP.
The red-zones will be sponsored by Visine.
All scores, by either team, will be sponsored by Playboy.

Brandon says he expects the new advertising packages will be sold for the 2015 season, pending approval from the Michigan Board of Regents. He anticipates no problem getting approval, saying the Regents are basically "a rubber stamp for anything I want to do".

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Thursday, November 27, 2014

LET US ALL GIVE THANKS TO BRADY HOKE

On this Thanksgiving Day, it's appropriate that we offer thanks to Michigan Football Coach BRADY HOKE, for his four excellent years of service. I still remember that cold January day when his hiring was announced, warming up our chilly Spartan hearts. We could see that Bad Moon Rising for the Wolverines.

Now that the moon is about to set on UM, we would like to thank Coach Hoke for everything he has done - - - and not done - - - as the leader of the Blues. And for that, we would like your input!

Please place your comments of Thanks for Hoke in the comment section below this article. We will add your thoughts to ours as we prepare a message of Thanksgiving, to be posted within an hour of the announcement that Brady Hoke has been fired.

Be sure to get your comments in right away, as the hours are dwindling on the Hoke Era!

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Monday, November 28, 2011

WILL BRADY HOKE ROOT FOR MSU? (Part Two)

Now that the Weasels have pulled off their miracle season, speculation is rampant that they will "leapfrog" MSU and be invited to play in one of the Basically Corrupt System (BCS) bowl games. This latest preemptive rumor is based on the assumption that MSU will lose to Wisconsin on Saturday.

Isn't that the way all of these innuendos begin? They all start with the premise that something will go wrong for Michigan State, and finish with how something will go right for Michigan. And they always come up before anything has happened. That way, whatever actually happens can make people forget the specious rumor in case it doesn't turn out to be true.

For example, consider the pregame slams against MSU two weeks ago. It was strongly suggested that Spartan fans should root for UM against Nebraska, when the only possible way it would help MSU for UM to win that game is if MSU lost another game. In other words, the story began with the idea that MSU was certainly going to fail.

In this case, many are assuming that UM will get to a "better bowl" before MSU has even played in the conference championship. People are discussing it as if it's already REAL.

But what does Brady Hoke think about it? After all, should his team get into a "better bowl", they will certainly face a "better team" that will be more likely to start his post-season career at Michigan just like his idol, Blow ScUMbuckler. (The Old Blowhard lost his first seven bowl games, which is what he meant by being a "champion".)

Should Michigan be selected for a "better bowl", for any reason, they will more likely get their cleats handed to them before a larger audience than if they face a more evenly-matched opponent. So Brady Hoke would stand to benefit from playing a lower-ranked team, as he would then be more likely to actually win a game in the post-season, rather than finishing with the normal wolverine whimper. That's what they mean by "The Michigan Difference".

Perhaps the sports media should be asking Brady Hoke if he would rather win or lose in his first bowl game, and if he wants to win, they should ask him if he will be rooting for MSU against Wisconsin. They should ask him if he wants to follow in the footsteps of the Michigan Legend.

Monday, December 1, 2014

"DEAR BRADY HOKE" - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, from SpartanMan82

Well, I guess all good things must come to an end. And so it goes with Brady Hoke. After all, this is Michigan, for gosh sakes.

No more pre-game donuts. No more skywriting. No more woozy QBs.

We wanted to bid him Adieu, with all due respect, so we wrote him a good-bye letter.

Dear Brady Hoke,

I hate how everybody calls you "Brady" instead of "Hoke" or "Coach Hoke". One good thing about you leaving is that nobody will refer back to you by your first name, only your last. That sounds better to me (but maybe a bit hokey).

I do want to thank you before you have to go. (And by "go", I mean "collect".) There are a few things to commend you on:

Thanks for being so calm and pleasant after gut-squeezing losses. You are so much more enjoyable in post-game than your counterpart over in Crisler. That John Beilein is such a whiner. You're not, so thanks.
We're glad you carried on so much about Michigan being so very different and then showed everyone how UM is very average in so many ways. You really illustrated our point.
Thanks for firing up your fan-base. They've been absolutely En Fuego the past month or two! Hope you've been reading all of their on-line comments.
Good to see how you had lots of players getting into lots of different legal problems. Just like always, but with all of your carrying on about that "we're so different" philosophy, it's sort of neat to see that you're not so different after all.
It was fun to watch you rack up all of those "recruiting victories" and then lose more games each year after the first. Hey, speaking of Beilein, did you hear, he didn't have a single player sign to play at UM next year during the normal signing week. So I guess you really beat him, didn't you? Congrats on that, even your worst signing-class was better than ZERO.
Glad to see how you lowered the standards for Michigan Football. Instead of necessarily winning games, now UM can be successful at practicing and traveling and they are all winners.
And thanks so much for talking all the time about how you will stand by your 115 "sons", but when the you-know-what hit the fan with Frank Clark, he was yesterdays news two days ago. You booted him before you even talked to him. Nice.

So you've literally "lived the dream" for four years, and now you're about to receive your formal wake-up call. Be sure to smell the coffee with your next plate of donuts.

Sincerely,

SpartanMan82

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Thursday, October 16, 2014

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL PLAYER ARRESTS DURING THE BRADY HOKE ERA (COMPLETE LIST HERE)

We keep hearing about what a nice guy Hoke is, especially with his players, whom he frequently refers to as his "115 sons". (Very festive of him to wear his halloween costume for the big night game.) Reports indicate he actually kisses his players good-bye on the field during pre-game festivities on Senior Day. That sort of reputation must mean Hoke does a great job keeping his "sons" on the straight-and-narrow path to Michigan Manhood.

Or not? Is it true that a dozen UM players have had legal problems the last few years, even with Father Brady at the helm? Let's look at the record.

Here are the names of University of Michigan football players who've had legal scrapes during the Hoke Era. (If we've missed any, we invite readers to submit information in the "Comments" below.)

March 15, 2014: GRAHAM GLASGOW

Operating a vehicle while intoxicated

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

December 1, 2013: TAYLOR LEWAN

Disorderly Person Drunk / Disturbing the Peace

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

October 27, 2013: A. J. WILLIAMS

Operating a vehicle while intoxicated / underage drinking / running a stop sign