~ ~

Monday, January 30, 2012


He used to wear red on the sideline at Ball State. Now he's known for wearing a red face at a coaches conference. Let's meet Jeff Hecklinski, another true-blue "Michigan Man".

Hecklinski's Wolverine roots date all the way back to his college days at Western Illinois. After not playing for Michigan, he parlayed his football credentials for a sweet gig at Benedictine University. While that was also not Michigan, he only stayed there for one season before leaving for Fort Scott Community College. He stayed there for two years, and some have rumored he may have taken a correspondence course with the U-of-M General Studies department during that time.

His next coaching stop was Central Missouri State, which, you'll have to admit, has one word beginning with the letter "M". Legend has it that Coach Heck liked to use a "block M" in the word Missouri, but it has never been proven. It was after two years at CMS that the Heckster made the key decision that cemented him forever as a "Michigan Man".

He accepted an assistant job at the University of Arizona. And while U-of-A's location is distinctly NOT in the direction of Michigan, college football insiders point to the fact that one of it's school colors IS Blue. This is considered by many to be the key indicator that Heckle was living in a Wolverine dream-world, perhaps since a very young age.

Those same observers acknowledge that the other U-of-A color - - - Red - - - was enough to drive this Weasel-to-be on the road yet again. It was destiny that called him to Ball State, and his tenure there cemented the "Grand Trifecta" of his pre-UM UM Coaching career. In three consecutive stops on the coaching carousel, the afficionado of the Michigan recruiting tradition had worked for schools that had, in order:
  1. The letter "M" at the beginning of a word
  2. The title "University Of" (in this case, Arizona)
  3. The word "Ball" in the name of the school
Psychic experts believe that Heckyl-Jekyl was transmitting ultrasonic vibrations from all three locations to a beacon located approximately 200 feet above the U-of-M Diag. By combining the energies of the title "University Of", the letter "M", and the word "Ball", he was effectively applying for the dream job of his life.

Skeptics will argue that Hecklinski was too busy with each successive job to become a bona fide expert on the Michigan Recruiting Tradition, but Heckelman told Geraldo Rivera on live television that he had a receptor implanted in his brain upon turning 18 that would receive transmissions from that same beacon above the U-of-M Diag. By using the ultrasonic frequencies while sleeping, Coach Blueballs became even more versed in Michigan recruiting than Lloyd Carr. (He said that wasn't so hard to do.)

Then it was off to California to continue his obsession with Michigan recruiting as a coach at San Diego State. Coach Yellowpants says that most Aztec coaches actually joined him in wolverine worship sessions held after midnight on the various beaches near campus. He has been adamant that all of these jobs were merely hobbies, or as he calls them, "diversions", from his real commitment, which he says has always been to Michigan Football.

It was through these many years of devotion to the core principles of Michigan Football recruiting that Jeff Hecklinski has become so well-versed as an expert on the subject. He has been Recruiting Coordinator for Michigan for the past year, or to put it another way, one of the past three years. Or to put it another way, one of the last five years. Also one out of the last 10, 20, and/or 30 years.

So it is hard to understand why Coach Dantonio would have prevented the high school coaches from hearing everything this esteemed expert had to bestow upon them. Imagine all of the stories Hecklinski could share from his year on the job. Why, he would have stories going all the way back to last year.

Coach D Rescues High School Coaches Meeting Hecklinski Hi-jacking


  1. Wow. Clearly this Michigan Man has traveled a road in the true spirit of Blow scUMbuckler. Dantonio should have known who he was dealing with. I think if he had a chance to do it over again Dantonio would have handed his moderator's microphone the chUMp and insisted that the chUMp lead the panel in Kalamazoo.

  2. I read today's Bleacher Report regarding signing day. Some chUMps are still commenting about Dantonio's rudeness. Obviously haven't read the truth of the evening but that shouldn't surprise anybody.


Please sign in using the method most convenient for you. We do not receive your login information. This function is provided by Blogger.