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Monday, September 16, 2013


Dear chUMps,

Just wanted to give you a shout out and see how you were feeling after your big home win against Akron on Saturday. Man, that was a first-class blowout, you guys really showed your dominance.

I saw you paid some dudes to skywrite a message over the stadium before the game. But you got the wrong stadium! Your game was being played in Ann Arbor, while coincidentally, we had a game coming up when your planes starting blowing smoke. Silly chUMps, nice idea, but you missed!

Hey, what was all the trash you were talking about the past two weeks? Something about our team not winning very "convincingly" against "inferior opponents"? What was that again?

It is sort of funny that blue-sky message was being written just as your team was getting it's lips Zipped in front of all your fans. Great win, awesome, like I said, your team looks totally unstoppable. Especially if you can avoid playing M.A.C. teams or even those from the lower division. (Seem to recall you had some difficulty with an FCS team in the past.)

Looks like your quarterback may have missed out on the September Heisman, too bad for him. I know how much he was counting on getting it, sort of like a birthright as a UM QB, right? But at least he is still President of the United States, at least in his own mind.

Maybe your players shouldn't have shoveled down all those donuts right before the game. Oh well, Coach Hoke told them to do it, didn't he? He sure loves his donuts! (How does he keep his figure?)

At least you can be proud that your football team is still on NCAA Probation. Not many teams can make that claim. That's part of the "Michigan Difference". The entire Hoke Era has been marked by Probation and plenty of donuts.

So anyway, I guess if your team scores only 28 points on Akron, that's a lot like scoring 26 on Western Michigan or maybe 21 on South Florida. And I guess that giving up 24 to Akron is like allowing 17 to Youngstown State. Maybe your team and my team aren't as "different" as you've all been saying the past two weeks.

In fact, maybe you all ought to just shut up and realize you're no better than Akron, on any given day. Just like everybody else. You're "normal", not "special". Just like everybody else.

So Zip your lips and we'll see you on November 2nd. Bring your planes along if you want to, it seemed to work fine for us on Saturday in Spartan Stadium.  See you then!

Most Sincerely Not Yours,


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