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Saturday, August 10, 2013


Frank Beckmann will reportedly be serving fried chicken to guests who attend his retirement party later this year. Beckmann announced this week that University officials had finally gotten to him and made him an offer he couldn't refuse. The word he used to describe the force-play is "retirement".

Beckmann parlayed his high school diploma into three decades of work on the University of Michigan campus, earning his reputation as a "Michigan Man". (He, along with all of the UM coaches since Shembechler, did not actually attend the school.)

The infamous announcer caused a stir this summer with an opinion piece in the Detroit News that included a virtually incoherent ramble about the virtue of fried chicken and the integrity of those who eat it. Therefore, fried chicken will be the main course at his swan song.

The political play-by-play personality suggested in his editorial that fried chicken was a symbol of freedom, somehow trying to connect the struggles of oppressed peoples with the food they eat when life is such a struggle. Or something like that.

With that theme in mind, Beckmann will personally serve the main course to all of his guests, as a way of showing that his personal freedom is intertwined with the destinies of all chickens everywhere. Or something like that.

Guests will also be able to feast on Matzah and Stone Soup, two foods enjoyed by the oppressed over the course of human history.

After his "retirement" party, Beckmann will devote his full attention to starting a new career in the fried chicken industry.

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