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Thursday, May 2, 2013


(based on a true story)

You may have heard the news reports today that Michigan State Athletic Director Mark Hollis is orchestrating a four-team, two-game tribute to former MSU Basketball Coach Jud Heathcote. The Spartans will play Gonzaga in a twin-bill preceded by Montana versus Washington State. All four teams have a connection to Heathcote, the beloved and respected mentor to Tom Izzo.

Not to be outdone, the University of Michigan Basketball Program has also announced a tribute event to honor former Wolverine booster, Ed "The Godfather" Martin. Martin was known to have played a key role in UM Basketball history, as he was proven through an FBI investigation to have arranged for hundreds of thousands of dollars of illegal payments to several players, most notably Chris Webber.

To commemorate Martin's role in generating countless sums of dirty money to fuel the Wolverine's rise to power in the late 1980's and early 1990's, all of his numbers-runners from the River Rouge factories will be invited to attend the games. Webber will be the keynote speaker during a pre-game ceremony.

Other honored guests to be recognized by Webber during the pre-game event will include Bud Middaugh, the former Michigan Baseball Coach who paid his players for fake jobs around campus, leading to the NCAA probation penalties that resulted in trophies being returned and record books being revised. Also appearing will be Trish Roberts, the former Michigan Women's Basketball Coach who was sued by one of her players before being fired after a petition drive against her by parents of the team members.

The halftime festivities will feature former University of Michigan President Mary Sue Coleman, who is expected to recite her famous "Day of Shame" speech, originally given when she ordered that the banners hanging in Crisler Arena from the Ed Martin Era be taken down. Webber will also perform a special rap-dance called "Time Out", during which he will receive an inbound pass, drag his back foot conspicuously as if traveling, then dribble the length of the court only to stop abruptly and call timeout with a sheepish look on his face.

Steve Fisher is not expected to attend the event. Fisher was the UM Basketball Coach who signed Webber to his employment contract on behalf of Martin. Fisher is blamed for the entire scandal by university officials, who often refer to him as "that damn Fisher". Fisher was appointed to replace Bill Frieder when Frieder was fired by Glenn Shembechler on the grounds that Frieder was "not a Michigan Man". None of the three went to college at U-of-M.

A bit of frivolity will mark the interlude between games, as former Michigan Football Coach Gary Moeller will play a spirited game of quarter-bounce with current Michigan Hockey Coach Red Berenson. After both gentlemen have finished their drinks, they will split the audience in two groups for gender-separated activities. The women will be invited to watch Moeller punch-box a police officer at center-court while tearfully pleading with him to stop, while the men will follow Berenson to a nearby library where they will take turns urinating on the walls of the building.

Other teams expected to play during the event include Connecticut, Tennessee, and St. Mary's, all of whom are currently on NCAA probation.

A date for the event has not yet been selected, but the games will be played in Palermo, Sicily, legendary birthplace of La Cosa Nostra, known in America as "The Mafia".

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  1. Well, comparing the two events, it appears there truly is a "Michigan Difference". Just think of how amazing it is that they have been able to maintain that false image of purity or "doing it the right way". That takes "friends in the media to do that.

    I wonder if at their event, I they considered having the actor who plays Ernie Harwell in the play, "Ernie" make a speech about the character man who fired Harwell, Glenn scUMbuckler.

  2. Lol good stuff.

  3. I never attended U of M or MSU but was always a bigger Michigan Fan but over the past few years I've come to the place where I find myself less interested in MSU. I will always root for them when not playing Michigan but it's stuff like 5his that make it hard. I saw a friend of mine in Church Sunday with her Son who's a RS Sr on the MSU football squad and he's been the only reason I pull for MSU football at all. I'm a huge izzo fan and I will always support my Kids from Detroit but please stop with these types of articles because there's no need for them. Please take the high road going forward.

    1. Thanks for your input. Did you click on the links? All of the satirical points in this article are supported by historical fact.

      Considering that your favorite school perpetuated the greatest financial scandal in the history of intercollegiate sports, shouldn't you be telling them to "take the high road"?

      Go ahead and read the links, perhaps you never heard the stories when they were happening.


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